I don’t wanna name an actual author so let’s just make one up; let’s call her ‘JK Rowling.’ So I’ll fall in love with this author’s work and I’ll ask her, ‘Can we have some happiness?’ And she’ll go, ‘No. They all end up straight or dead.’ And I go, ‘Okaaay!’ And then I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go, ‘How about a sequel?’ and she goes ‘Ha, you get one (1) weird play. Now take this shitty play that paints everyone you loved as super out of character and leaves you feeling queerbaited, go fetch!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ and I go over to Pottermore and go, ‘Can I have anything please?’ and they go ‘NO!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ And they go, ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist!’ And I go ‘Nooo,’ and they go ‘SAY IT!’ and I go ‘Everything JKR does is good because she considers herself a feminist.’ And then I go over to look at the diversity and representation in Harry Potter, which is an oxymoron, and I go, ‘Can we please have an openly gay character?’ and they go ‘No! In fact, we’re not even going to mention the sexuality of the one (1) gay character we revealed to be gay post canon despite his central roll in the new movie series that we’re pushing at you! And we’re going to support a man who beat his wife instead of listening to the scores of fans who feel hurt and alienated by our decisions!’ And I go ‘Why are you doing this?!’ And they go, ‘Because we’re JK Rowling and Warner Bros, and life is a fucking nightmare!’
Me: [gently, very gently trying to pry the Harry Potter franchise out of JKR’s white-knuckle grip] That’s it… You’ve had enough now…
JKR: [hugging it tighter] I thought this was what you wanted! More diversity! More representation! More magic! Magic in the US for all the American fans!
Me: You can’t just retroactively make all the characters fill a checklist, babe, and I don’t know a single American who thinks Ilvermorney makes a lick of sense. Just give it [pulling] here… We don’t need any more content. You’ve done enough. We can extrapolate on our own, now.
JKR: No!
Me: [desperately] You broke your Brits Only rule to support the casting of an abuser as one of your only gay characters. You retroactively made Nagini an Asian Animagus in like, the most fetishistic way you possibly could, and I’m pretty sure it breaks the lore anyway. You’ve got another series going. You can write other stuff! Just…just give it. George, please, tell her!
[George Lucas materializes and puts a sad, defeated hand on her shoulder] Just let it go. It’s not worth it. Now let us go be billionaires in peace.
ofdreamsanddragons 